For Caleb

I am pleased to have another new person added to my caregivers and friends.  Caleb takes care of my hearing; I saw him during this past week because one of my hearing aides needed attention.  During my appointments, we sometimes spend a few minutes talking about things unrelated to hearing or hearing aides.  I am old enough to be most people’s grandmother, or great-grandmother, or great aunt – anyway, somebody older in life, but you know that.  And, Caleb is a younger parent.

In our give and take conversation, Caleb asked a question I’d never been asked before.  It was: at my octogenarian age (a nice way of saying “old), I’ve seen a lot and done a lot so what is one piece of advice I would give to a younger person, such as himself.  For me, that is very easy.  Tell the truth.  Always tell the truth.  As hard as it may be, tell the truth.  We discussed that issue for a while before I left the office.  As I got into my car, I realized that there is more to truthfulness than we discussed.

I’m pretty sure that growing into this age, I’ve not always been as truthful as I’d like to think I have been.  Probably, not; but, as I grew older and older, I began to realize that the mistakes I made and my dismissal of them as my responsibility are the ones that continue to occupy my thoughts.  Especially, when I think about my life-long legacy.  (Do all people think about their legacy?)

When we make a mistake and do something wrong, the responsibility is ours.  It does not belong to anyone else.  We need to say, truthfully, “I have done this, and it was wrong.”  I was wrong – tell the truth.  And¸ that is often very hard.  Impossibly, hard, it seems.

Caleb and I talked about truth with children.  Teachers often are afraid to tell their class of children (of any age) the truth.  Teachers are, after all, supposed to know everything and do everything, just right.  No mistakes.  Always with the “right” words.  The right questions.  The right directions.  The right everything.

Parents also are afraid to tell the truth.  “I made a mistake.  I should have said this.  Or, I should have done that.”  Again, often the hardest thing a parent can do is admit to making a mistake.  Helping children know that we, as adults, don’t have all of the answers all of the time is hard.  It is very hard.  Really hard.

I remember a time while teaching children at a nationally known hospital in my area.  The children came from all over the United States (actually, all over the world) to receive medical help with their breathing and allergy problems.  The children lived at the hospital “on the girls floor” or “on the boys floor” for many months at a time.  And, at least once per year, sex became a hot topic on the floors.  The children had doctors and nurses for their medical issues,counselors for daily living, and teachers for school.  Most of the counselors were young, so when SEX showed itself, it seemed that it was time for THE sex talk.  And, who to give the talk better than the “old lady” teacher.

Telling the truth to children takes some specific thinking.  How much truth do you tell children – especially children who are not your children.  You still tell them the truth.  And, I did.  It is also fair to say, “This is what I will tell you now.  This is not everything that you will eventually learn, at the best time for you to learn it.  But I will tell you the truth, now, that you will understand.”

I remember one session with the children, all seated on the floor beside my chair – that is where I always had children when reading a story to them or talking about something really important.  Somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty children.  Boys and girls, together.  As usually happened during one of these sessions about sex, a few of the children giggled.  And, when this happened, I always closed my books, gave them stern looks, and said, “I only explain these things for children who are interested and who are not silly about it.  I was told you wanted to talk about this.”  That stern warning usually solved the problem, as it did in the situation I remember.  But, one of the boys elbowed a boy sitting next to him, and said, “Stop it!  I always wanted to know this stuff and nobody would ever tell me.”  So, we went on with our discussion.  It always seemed that our discussions took care of the problem on the boys’ and girls’ floors.  There weren’t any secrets, anymore; they knew they had been told the truth.

As adults, it’s also fair to keep information to yourself.  When asked a question, and the answer needs to be kept private, it’s really okay to tell the asking person, “This is a subject that I don’t discuss with anyone.  Thanks for understanding.”  And, frankly, if they don’t understand, there is nothing I can do to help them.

I have a very personal journal that I write in on an irregular basis.    Inside of the front cover is this statement:  “Read further, if you must.  Nothing will ever be explained.”  My journals do contain very personal issues.  I’ve been asked about the possibility of someone getting the journal and, actually, reading it.  First, I make every attempt to temper the writing that goes into the journals.  It’s not my intent to write an expose of any kind  The writings are just my thoughts on paper.  But, those thoughts are the truth.  Besides, if that ever happens, I probably won’t be walking on earth; so, I’m not concerned.  Being truthful, to yourself or others, is incredibly important.

Be Safe and Be Well

The Cranky Crone

Thoughtful comments are appreciated.

The Holidays are here.  So, Merry and Blessed Christmas, Happy Chaukkah, Kwanza, and any other holiday that I may not have remembered!